To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

President George W. Bush toasts Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom following welcoming remarks, during the State Dinner in her honor at the White House.

In light of your failure in recent years to nomi­nate compe­tent candi­dates for President of the USA and thus to govern your­selves, we hereby give notice of the revo­ca­tion of your inde­pen­dence, effec­tive imme­dia­tely. (You should look up ‚revo­ca­tion’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monar­chical duties over all states, common­wealths, and terri­to­ries (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A ques­ti­onn­aire may be circu­lated next year to deter­mine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the tran­si­tion to a British Crown depen­dency, the follo­wing rules are intro­duced with imme­diate effect:

1. The letter ‚U’ will be reins­tated in words such as ‚colour,’ ‚favour,’ ‚labour’ and ‚neigh­bour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‚doughnut’ without skip­ping half the letters, and the suffix ‚-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‚-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your voca­bu­lary to accep­table levels. (look up ‚vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words inter­s­persed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‚you know’ is an unac­cep­table and inef­fi­cient form of commu­ni­ca­tion. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reins­tated letter ‚u” and the elimi­na­tion of ‚-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be cele­brated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or thera­pists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and thera­pists shows that you’re not quite ready to be inde­pen­dent. Guns should only be used for shoo­ting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a thera­pist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dange­rous than a vege­table peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vege­table peeler in public.

6. All inter­sec­tions will be replaced with rounda­bouts, and you will start driving on the left side with imme­diate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with imme­diate effect and without the benefit of conver­sion tables. Both rounda­bouts and metri­ca­tion will help you under­stand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gaso­line) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, taste­less stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also accep­table, as they are pound for pound the grea­test sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth — see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occa­sio­nally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English charac­ters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an expe­ri­ence akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American foot­ball. There is only one kind of proper foot­ball; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some simi­la­ri­ties to American foot­ball, but does not involve stop­ping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing base­ball. It is not reason­able to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is under­stan­dable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acqui­si­tion of all monies due (back­dated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus stra­w­ber­ries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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